To find the new stuff, scroll down the page ...
GROWING OLD IS MANDATORY, GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL !!
Some quickies :
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No. The steaks are too high.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!; The doctor replied, I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man goes to his doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: I'll give you some cream to put on it.
'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's the Tom Jones syndrome." ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual".
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"; "Well" says the vet, let's have a look at him; So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he
says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you
look great, the world's your oyster (lobster?), go for it."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places; The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore",
Added : 20 January 2005
Following on from the previous advert ...
Added : 24 January 2005
Seen right outside the Speight's Brewery in Dunedin ...
Added : 13 February 2005
A few 'Kiwi' pictures I've found recently ...
Firstly, how to draw a kiwi -
A tribute to Peanuts cartoon -
A tribute to the Haka -
And, a tribute to Andy Warhol -
ADDED : 26 April 2005
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ....
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is dyslexia such a difficult word to spell?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
ADDED : 14 May 2005
Spotted in Hamilton, Bermuda.
Added : 31 May 2005
Added : 5 June 2005
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN ....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
4. You e-mail the person who works at the next desk to you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with your friends or family is that they don't have e-mail addresses
6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the telephone in a businesslike manner
7. You make phonecalls from home and you accidentally dial '9' for an outside line
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years yet worked for three different companies
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen
14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing
18. Even worse, you've already worked out who you're going to 'cut and paste' this to
19. You're too busy to notice that there was no number 9 on this list
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on this list.
Feeling hungry ...?
Added : 4 May 2006
THE PRICE OF STUPIDITY
In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company.
It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
 Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.
 Pay the claimant's court costs; and
 Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
Added : 5 May 2006
ADDED : 19 May 2006
Added : 26 May 2006
Why dogs hate Hallowe'en (Added : 21 October 2006)